Have you ever been hungry only to realize that really, your body just need more water?
I’m that mom. The one who tells all the whiney, hungry little children to “drink some water!” (Especially after they’ve just eaten or were “full” two minutes ago.)
Today, I want to take my own advice. But I’m not talking about downing liquids versus solids.
Recently, my husband ever so kindly enlightened me to the fact that my “resting face” has been less than pleasing to the eye.
And I took it to heart.
In my pondering, I’ve come to realize that I’ve been metaphorically hungry. As in the feeling that something is missing.
In seeking for what will fill me, I realized that some of those things are missing because of literal loss—
I’m grieving.
It is clear now that I don’t need to feed my already analytical mind with more stuff to overthink. I need to feel the quench of healing.
The past 6-9months I’ve been on a high in terms of connecting with God to my purpose. He’s given me a message of deliverance through faith and I’ve been allowing Him to guide me as to how to share it.
Yet there have been these valleys of loss that have been accumulating.
They haven’t gone completely unnoticed, but I have glossed over them.
For example, I started grieving after I put my kids back in public school after homeschooling for over five years.
I lost some control over how to protect them.
We lost a level of literal closeness we once had.
The ability to instill a concentrated amount of gospel teaching on a daily basis doesn’t look the same anymore.
Loss. Loss. Loss.
Does this mean I’m no longer at peace with my decision? Nope. It just means that there’s some healing needed there.
Another recent loss came from my decision to leave my direct sales company.
The past year and a half has been a time of exponential growth and much of it I attribute to that opportunity. It almost feels ungrateful to let go.
Does this mean I’m no longer at peace with my decision? Nope. It just means that there’s some healing needed there.
You might be thinking these losses are trivial in comparison to others. Like the death of a loved one or loss of employment.
This is where I think we often get it wrong. Loss is loss. It is a necessary part of life.
Some experiences require more time, more therapy, and/or deeper healing than others, but the process is the same:
Loss > Grieve > Heal. (That’s the simplified version).
A more recent loss that has thrown me off a bit is the news of my biological father’s lung cancer.
For years, I’ve grieved over the fact that he wasn’t there like I needed him as a little girl.
In a turn of events after my divorce in 2009 however, I reached out to him and we have since developed a relationship. It has its boundaries, but I am secure in what we have established.
Except now that I’m grieving the loss of his health, there has been an unexpected twist.
Complications to that grief.
There’s a baby sister out there that I have never met. She’s the same age as one of our younger children. She likely does not have the same confidence in where she stands with our father that I do.
She likely doesn’t know he starts chemo tomorrow.
I know what it’s like to grow up without my father. I know what it’s like to raise children whose father was taken from them at a young age.
But I don’t know what the grief is like for her.
In experiencing various levels of loss and grieving, I’m hyper aware that I need to get myself “together” and take inspired action.
This isn’t about putting on a fake smile to change my resting face in hopes of pretending my way into healing.
I know that Jesus Christ is our healer, so I turned to Him.
For those of you who have done family history and felt the power that comes from it, you will be no stranger to the prompting He placed on my heart to search for my sister.
Again.
As the link to her father, I feel that firstborn, big sister responsibility to find her.
Hopefully soon.
It’s possible that the only thing that will come out of this is that I will experience more loss.
That is highly probable.
But…maybe there’s someone else out there who thinks they’re hungry for more junk and needed to know (after reading this loooong post) that you too are really just thirsty for Christ’s healing.
May we rest our weary selves in Him and find peace. ❤️
Originally posted on 2/10/2020